| Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn. |
| Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but
recoils when a man needs a shave. |
| Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn. |
| A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls
asleep in her soup at all other functions. |
| Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures. |
| A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't
blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave. |
| Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst,
slight trace of chapstick. |
| Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little
boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store. |
| Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the
sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the
almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater. |
| Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose,
ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists |
| A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in
its name. |
| Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square
inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud. |
| A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and
if it's a mare, she breeds it. |
| Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred
dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling. |
| An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or
breeding. |
| Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots. |
| A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer
to horse country (and farther away from your job.) |
| Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick
will win her heart forever. |
| Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse
in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse. |
| Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says,
"You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.
|
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is
still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious
trouble.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is
to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and
know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good
horses and it will never be boring.
--Author Unknown
barn sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
big name trainer - cult leader; horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend
their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them, as they have a link to "The Most High Ones" (judges).
bog spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows
colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
contracted foot - The involuntary, instant reflex of curling one's toes up, right before a horse steps on your foot.
drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil or a bath to his horse.
endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy, and buck his way around a show ring.
feed - Expensive substance used in the manufacture oflarge quantities of manure.
fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give your horse something to chew on, scratch against, and jump over.
filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.
flea-bitten - a condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.
flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over without being punished.
founder - 1. the discovery of your loose mare, some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or a cornfield. As in the phrase, "Hey, honey, I found 'er."
2. a condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner.
frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.
gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.
gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
girth sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of midsection by fashionable large western belt buckles.
green broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the "Big Name Trainer."
grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.
hay - A green, itchy material that collects between the layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
head shy - A reluctance to use the public restroom's at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.
head tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.
heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
hoof pick - Useful, curved metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoe.
ALL I NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY HORSE
To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a
liberty class.
To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it
with fresh water.
To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal
you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
To induce a cold snap in the weather? Body clip a horse.
To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
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You know you are a horse person when...
You drive your truck to work and the mirrors occupy the parking
spaces on both sides of the truck
You walk into a 'ritzy restaurant' with your friends after a full
day of showing horses wearing dirty tee shirts, jeans, boots, and
spurs and you really don't care
The car you drive to work everyday hasn't been washed in a year,
but the truck and trailer you use on week-ends is washed before and
after every horse show
Someone wants to borrow your horse trailer to haul cows and you
emphatically say "NO"
You cannot imagine why anyone would think it is kinky to own whips
The non-horsy guy/gal you just started dating gives you a
funny look after glancing into the back seat of your car, and you realize your whips and spurs have been noticed
You often sneak furtively into Laundromats and pretend that you really didn't just put that stinky, filthy horse blanket into the comforter-sized machine
You buy business suits that will double as a
showmanship jackets
You see the vet more than you see your child's pediatrician
You have more pictures of your horses in your office than you have of your family
You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck
You're seriously considering an even trade of your
2000 Buick for a 1986 Diesel
crew cab dually pickup truck
You dress like a lawyer on weekdays, and someone who needs a lawyer on your days
off
You hate posing for pictures unless you're on your horse
The only picture you have of your spouse just happens to have been taken the one (and only) time you let him/her ride your horse
You plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to the trainer during the eighth and ninth
months
You buy duct tape by the case, and carry a roll in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your
car
You realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten
bucks
You get your income tax refund and the first thing you do is head for the tack shop
You have saved five old left mud boots "just in case", and another right one has sprung a
leak
You'll drive an hour in a snowstorm to ride your horse, but God forbid you have to drive 5 minutes to the store to buy
groceries
When your six year old tells everyone that he's going to be the "ring
steward" at your aunt's wedding!
Your friends no longer ask to get together with you on a weekend afternoon because they know you'll say -- "I can't, I have a show/penning/rodeo/trail ride."
You consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
Every time you drive past a construction site, you think how you could use all that lumber at the barn!
After arriving at the barn and finding the sprinklers on in the indoor arena, you go ahead and ride in it anyway. What's a little indoor "rain"?
Your horse gets new shoes more often than
you
Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse
complains that you love your horse more then you love him/her and you answer: "And
your point is?"
Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse does something nice for you, and you say "good boy/girl" and pat him/her on the
neck
You're trying to pass someone in a crowded hallway and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them
instead
You meet a business associate for a breakfast meeting and they reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your
hair
No one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay all over their clothes...But hey, that's OK!!
You'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
You are totally grossed out by human hair in the sink or tub, but don't mind horse hair in your washer, on your clothes, in your food...
You don't mind throwing the frozen manure balls for the barn dog to fetch!
The first bills you pay each month are all horse related
You choose your new dog by which breed is best with horses
You always have new foal pictures in your wallet
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|
What
they say |
What
they mean |
Started |
Rode
Once |
Green
Broke |
Rode
Twice |
Ready
to Show |
Green
Broke |
10+
Loper |
Can't
Jog |
10+
Jogger |
Can't
Lope |
Good
Mover |
Stubbles
Occasionally |
Barrel
Racing Prospect |
Just
Off the Track |
Hunt
Seat Prospect |
Should
Be On the Track |
Western
Pleasure Prospect |
Too
Slow for Barrel Racing |
Cutting
Horse Prospect |
Turns
& Runs when frightened |
Reining
Horse Prospect |
Spins
& Runs when frightened |
15.2
hh |
14.2
hh |
16.3
hh |
15.3
hh |
Attractive |
Bay |
Flashy |
Piebald |
Good
for Beginning Rider |
Lame
in both front legs |
Anyone
Can Ride |
Lame
in all four legs |
Bombproof |
Lame
in all four legs, Deaf, & Blind |
Needs
Intermediate Rider |
Runaway |
Needs
Experienced Rider |
Potentially
Lethal |
To
Loving Home Only |
Expensive |
To
Show Home Only |
Very
Expensive |
Can
be registered |
I
think I know which stud got to the mare |
Pony
Type |
Small
and Hairy |
Warm
Blood Type |
Big
and Hairy |
Draft
Type |
Extremely
Big and Hairy |
TB
Type |
Big
Motor |
Endurance
Type |
Extremely
Big Motor |
Must
Sell |
Insurance
company threatened to drop me |
Sacrifice
Sell |
Family
won't come back till he's gone |
Clips,
Hauls, & Loads |
Clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as
he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him |
Should
mature 15.2hh |
Currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is
14.3, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 14 hands, but this horse will defy his DNA and grow |
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Does your horse have knee action? Do the words
sewing machine" come to mind when describing your horses movement? Then the
National Crappy Movers Association (NCMA) welcomes you! Founded in 1998, this Association was created
to preserve the jackhammer like movement and total lack of symmetrical conformation of the
recreational horse of years past. We here at the NCMA recognize that all horse
enthusiasts have at one time had a horse that made them want to wear two bras and duct tape themselves to the saddle. Up
until this time there has been no association recognizing horses of this quality. Qualifications for registry are the
following:
1. Movement must be of sufficient quality to cause male riders genitalia to assume a new position several inches
higher than at rest.
2. While in a forward gait the horses knee joint MUST flex to at LEAST 90 degrees upon lifting.
3. Headset. Horses that root at the bit are preferred. Stargazers favorable. Nose straight out is acceptable. Head
tossing very desirable.
4. Tail set must be set at top of horses back and stick up a minimum of three inches (preferably rubbed out at base.)
Show classes will include Displeasure. A good Displeasure horse should be able to outrun all other
horses in the class. Riders must stay off rail at all times. Accidental running over of the judge will not be penalized.
Displeasure horses should be ridden in a tight rein. Transitions should take at least 1/4 length of arena.
Attire - All riders can use hemorrhoid cushions if needed. Jockey goggles are mandatory during the
Displeasure class, due to excessive wind from speed.
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|
Bucking |
Counterirritant |
Jump |
An opportunity to stop for
grass |
Crossties |
Gymnastic apparatus |
Fence |
Barrier that protects good grazing |
Hitching rail |
Means by which to test one's strength
|
Bit |
Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the
sensitive tissues of the mouth |
Arena |
Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion |
Dressage |
Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to
respect the bit |
Horse Trailer |
Mobile cave bear den |
Hot Walker |
Lesser of two evils |
Gate Latch |
Type of puzzle |
Grain |
Sole virtue of domestication |
Longeing |
Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay |
Owner |
Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding |
Rider |
Owner overstepping his bounds |
Farrier |
Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression
without compromising food supply |
Trainer |
Owner with mob connections |
Veterinarian |
Flightless albino vulture |
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